


Turning Me Inside Out

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, No Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-26
Updated: 2004-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-27 11:27:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12080136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian's internal conflict continues to surface as he loves his lover and slowly begins to love himself. I'm just beginning to realize how afriad Brian is of himself, and how much his reputation matters. After watching some of season 1, and then season 4 I can see that Brian's changed a lot, and I think that's awesome.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

He woke up feeling frustrated. He examined his hands, looking at the lines and creases and curves that belonged to him. Wearing his flannel pajama bottoms which were probably Justin's, he stared out the window. Throbbing outbursts of rain poured down into the street, lighting up the dark night sky and making it all seem ethereal. He felt Justin's small artist's hands on his feverish back, he welcomed them and welcomed Justin into his arms. Not exactly sure why he felt this way, Brian decided to shrug it off and think in depth later. Now it was time to validate his life and let his lover love him.

Later, when his body and his soul were met with his special needs, he shifted his weight on their bed and turned to Justin. His sleeping form, highlighted only by his glowy complex and youthful skin, made Brian forget why he used to treat this human being like shit. As he touched and smoothed away stray hairs from his forehead, Brian couldn't help but feel remorseful. This time around he was loved, but he loved himself only when Justin made him feel like he should be walking around on this earth. Brian gave his lover a soft kiss on his cheek and turned around on his back. He needed to think.   
All the feelings he pushed away for the past 30 years suddenly flooded his brain, he wanted to run away again and leave Justin. He didn't deserve to be bombarded with Brian's extreme insecurities and self-doubts. He looked over at him. Justin's eyes were slowly opening, his hands finding Brian's.  
"What are you doing?"   
Justin's sleepy voice brought him out of his reverie and back to reality.  
"Thinking about shit. Go to sleep. I didn't mean to wake you."  
Brian kissed his soft lips and waited until he closed his eyes.

He held onto Justin's hand, looking at the outlines their two hands made when they became one.  
He smlied at their hands.  
It all became trivial, rather, unimportant.   
His fears ceased to exist when he held Justin's hand.

Drifting off to sleep, he held onto his pillow and Justin's hand.


	2. Turning Me Inside Out

Signs of Brian's deterioration started to pop up every now and then, at least when Justin caught sight of them.  
Ever since that night when Brian fell asleep holding Justin's hand, Justin noticed Brian's behavorial changes, such as his flurries of affection at times, and extreme withdrawl from him at other times. All in all Brian became paradoxical to live with, and Justin needed some answers.

He decided to approach him normally and rationally, when Brian sat on their couch lazily smoking and flipping through a magazine, Justin sat down next to him.  
"Hey.'' Starting off with something simple, he let Brian do honors of making the first move.  
Brian gave him a small smile. "Hi. How lovely to meet you here.''  
He laughed and took a drag, giving it to Justin.  
Tonight he seemed happy, well, happier, than some nights, and Justin believed that what he had to say would be easier than he thought it would.  
Taking the magazine out of his hands and putting it on the floor, he unzipped Brian's sweater and began kissing him softly on his bare chest.  
''I need to ask you something'' he said softly, speaking into Brian's stomach.  
Stopping his sexual ministrations, 'Which, by the way, the bitch learned from me', Brian thought, chuckling to himself, he pulled his sweater back on and waited for Justin to proceed.  
Justin stuck his tounge out and began.  
''Well, for starters, I find it trying in the least to live with a man who displays romantic gestures one minute, and in the next becomes extremely self-possessed. I feel like sometimes you think you're the only person in the world. I dont mean that in a selfish way, just, like, your deep inside your head and I can't seem to find you.''  
As he finished speaking he looked into Brian's eyes.  
Brian seemed somewhat aware of what Justin was feeling, hell, he knew what the fuck was going on. He was going to fuck up their relationship, and that choice was no longer a possibility. He was too much in love with Justin and the thought of losing the love of your life became too great a weight to bare. He just felt, weird. Like weird inside his mind.  
His frequent thoughts of inadequacy plagued him, and he needed to tell Justin this without being girly. Or romantic, god forbid. But he decided not to push him away. Again.   
It was high time Brian began to grow up.  
Brian leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes.  
"Truth is, I'm kinda fucked up right now.''  
He laughed a little, and Justin laughed too, knowing that Brian was always a little fucked up.  
''Hell, a lot fucked up.'' He sighed and gave Justin a little hug.  
Just for reassurance.  
Getting comfortable on the couch, Justin sat next to him, waiting for the inevitable bitchiness that Brian would throw his way.   
'' I think, for once, I may be growing up.''   
Brian grimaced, and looked at Justin. He was shocked, to say the least, and tried to look less surprised as Brian opened his mouth again.  
"Fuck you for being on to me.'' He gave him a quick smile.  
''I'm aware that Ive been Jekyll and Hyde lately, and for that, I am sorry.'' Brian looked down at the floor and acknowledged Justin's eyes.  
''It's just that when you grow up swallowing every thought of fuck, love, and being semi-happy and after being berated by your own parents, who don't care, you tend to repress every feeling, and sort of begin to fall into a numb state, like walking around and being, I dont know, a zombie or whatever.''  
He stopped talking, lit up another cigarette and continued, surprising himself by revealing all this to Justin.  
''Lately those feelings are haunting the fuck out of me and   
I've had fucking revelations about why I do the shit I do.  
You understand?''  
Brian looked at him harshly, feeling the fucking walls go up a little, and Justin nodded.  
Brian bit his lip and began again.  
''I think the reason why I fuck all these fucking men is because I need to replace the feelings of love that I never got growing up. And then there's you.''  
He laughed bitterly, and started toying with the zipper on his sweater. Justin sat back, astonished and understanding, wondering when Brian took a psychology course.  
''You come along and fuck me up royally. I want you, you want me. You won't leave me alone, I push you away. I show you I care, you almost fucking die. I feel tortured inside, you feel unloved outside. I push you, you leave me, you get the idea.''  
He leaned back and let Justin soak this in. He silently nodded, and urged him to go on.  
''I think now we're at a point where I'm comfortable with you. With saying there's an ''us'' and we have a ''relationship.''  
Although you know, with us, there's always a problem.''  
He laughed, and Justin laughed, and the looming tension seemed to be broken.  
''Now, when I feel we're ok,'' Justin smiled, ''I have so much shit in my head from when I was a kid and it won't go away.''  
He sighed, relieved and spent and glad to tell Justin this.  
He should know. He was his partner, after all.  
Unsure of what to do, Justin reached out for Brian's hand and started rubbing it.  
A slight role reversal had taken place, and Brian chuckled.  
''My,my. Brian Kinney is a human! I knew it. I told you I was on to you.''  
Justin laughed and hugged Brian.  
He let him.  
The stabbing pain in Brian's heart seemed to lessen, if only a little bit.

Justin made love to Brian on the couch, whispering why he loved him and how strong he was. Fuck if Brian didn't want to hear it. He needed to.  
And he knew that maybe this once Brian wouldn't push him away.


	3. Turning Me Inside Out

Taking in as much as he possibly could since the short time in which Brian bared his (shock) soul, Justin sat back on the couch with his beer. Brian had fallen asleep next to him.  
Justin looked over at him now and then, touching his soft brown hair and realizing that Brian was...indescribable.  
It's almost as if he lived two very seperate lives. The one where he was sex-god Brian 'I've done everyone' Kinney and the one where he was just some guy named Brian, who wanted someone to love him even though he would die before admitting that.  
Being with someone who needed constant validation.  
That's who Brian is. Somewhat.  
Justin understood, at least for the moment, because he used to want the same thing, verbally, anyway.

All in all, it was a weird night.   
Justin finished his beer and grabbed a blanket from their bed.  
Looks like they were sleeping on the couch tonight.


	4. Turning Me Inside Out

He awoke to a startling breeze. It shook him out of himself, if only for a short while.

Opening the window to let in the refreshing air, he looked over and saw Justin still sleeping. He looked immensely happy, his wine colored lips curved into a smile, his hands stretched out among his body, searching for Brian's hands.

He smiled and walked over, lying back down and holding him.

In his arms Brian felt invincible. He could do anything.

Even get over this hell that's inside his own mind.

Justin's blue eyes opened and immediately and found solace in Brian's brown ones.

"Hey you." Justin smiled and kissed Brian's cheek.

"I didn't feel you before."

Justin stretched and sat up, turning himself around to face Brian.

"I got up and opened the window. It was hot."

He smirked and got up.

 

Making breakfast was something new for him. He figured it was now or never, and he also figured since Justin was putting up with all his shit he should repay him in a non-sexual way. It suddenly dawned on Brian that he wanted this relationship, for lack of a better word. He wanted to be happy with the one guy who actually made him happy.

Happy with the one guy who wasn't only his friend, but his lover and partner and sexually voracious equal.

Pancakes were easy to flip, and Justin's adorably shocked face made him grin.

"Who the hell are you and what have you done with Brian?"

Brian laughed. 'Leave it to sunshine to remind me that I've never done this before.'

"What? You silly boy, I'm making you breakfast."

He kissed Justin intensely, and felt the sting of the bacon pop his bare stomach.

"I'm speechless is all."

Justin sat atop the dining room table and waited for his breakfast to be served.

"You do realize if you sit like that there'll be no breakfast cause I'll be too busy fucking you."

Justin laughed and sat that way, much to Brian's chagrin.

"Not if I'm the one doing the fucking." He kissed Brian's cheek and went to put some clothes on.

As he flipped the pancakes and set the table, Brian waited for the pain to settle deep inside his head. Excruciating pain that berated him and would fucking kill him if not for Justin.

It never came. He watched Justin reappear and take out the orange juice and strawberry syrup. With Justin around it seemed he had no need to think about anything else.

Marvelling at his cooking prowess, Justin ate every last bite and commended Brian on his first foray into the world of culinary arts.

"It seems I'll have to do something special for you."

Justin licked a little syrup off his lips and watched Brian squrim.

He made his way to Brian's chair, and slowly removed his pajama bottoms. Kissing his stomach and thighs, he placed one of his hands into Brian's hand and began his descent to his own personal Candyland.

 

Hearing his moan of appreciation and his whispered name, Justin removed his eager lips from Brian's erection and kissed his way back to his happy face.

"Someone looks happy today."

Justin smiled and ran his hands through Brian's wavy unkempt hair.

"I am happy today, Sunshine."

Justin stopped and stared into Brian's eyes.

If he was happy today, then that must mean no more sadness.

"I'll be sure to make you happy every day'." Justin whispered in his ear and fed him the last pancake.

"I have an idea. Let's stay in today and do things we wouldn't ordinarily do."

A little confused at Brian's willingness to a) stay in and b) do things out of the ordinary made Justin's face contort into a puzzling stare.

"What? Let's say I want to try something new. Not start over, but, kind of a re-introduction to each other."

Brian smirked. He had Justin by the balls. 

"Well, whoever you are, I say let's give it a whirl, since you're probably delirious and before I got up smoked a lot of crack."Justin laughed and let Brian talk.

"For starters, and to clarify, today is about doing things that we, you and I, would not ordinarily do or say to each other. Pretend that we just met, and we've fallen madly in love and tomorrow we'll be separated forever."

Wishing that he was hearing right, Justin asked the given "Huh?" to which Brian groaned a little, but repeated his plan.

'Fuck fuck fuck!' "Bri, are you ok? Are you dying? Do you still have fucking cancer?"

Seeing the fear and sadness in Justin's eyes made him pull him closer. "No. No. I'm fine. I just thought that maybe, since we are getting closer we could see what happens after today. I just want to do this with you. Do it for me, ok? Please?"

Wiping the small tears from his eyes, Justin nodded. He didn't know what Brian had in store for him, but it sure as hell would be out of character.


End file.
